August 23, 2016

Hi, subscribers and a warm welcome to my many new ones!

How many of you think North is straight up? That West is left and East is right and South is straight down?

That has been a problem for me my whole life. I get lost everywhere. Don’t tell me something is “due North” because I have no idea what you are talking about.

People think I am kidding…until they drive with me.   I am cruising along with a passenger and suddenly they start screaming:

“NO, Ann – it is west, it’s west!”

“WHAT is?  Where am I?”

“You are going east!”

“What the hell is east?”

I am obsessed about being on time for everything and always, always have to cushion in “getting lost time” – usually 15 to 30 minutes prior to the event.

I live in a small town and when I first moved here I worked as a temp.  Giving me directions was hopeless.  Luckily, the agency knew everything by a landmark, such as:

“Okay, let’s see.  Ann, when you leave your apartment, you want to turn left onto the main road.  Head towards  the Goodyear building which will be on your right.  Keep going until there is a McDonald’s and turn left. Then, keep going until you see a large strip mall on your right.  Just past this strip mall, turn right again and go for about a mile until you see a small white brick building on your left.  That’s where you want to be.”

I am in panic mode as I start out.  But, usually I will do a dry run the day before – and still get lost. Sometimes it is so bad, I can’t even find my way home and am pulling into every gas station I see.  The first guy’s directions I can understand up to a point, but then three miles later, I have to pull into another gas station, and on and on. Then finally I am home.

When I know with certainty I am going to get lost finding my next assignment (my “dry runs” don’t work), I call a cab and write down the directions as he drives. Cab drivers are great. They are so patient with me. They point out the landmarks and where to turn while I am furiously writing it down in blood. Once home, I type it up as a Word document.

Okay, I now have the directions to get there, but how to get back? Smarty-pants people will be stunned and say: “You just go back the way you came!!” The word idiot is not said but heavily implied. Okay, smarty-pants, I can’t find my way back because there are stores, parking lots, etc. I didn’t notice coming in so the landmarks aren’t as easy to find. (Someone, anyone, please tell me this happens to you, too!)

Another problem is knowing what lane I am supposed to be in to make that left turn.  Seems easy, but when I get into a lane it is suddenly posted as “Right Turn Only”, I can’t slide my car over, so I have to drive around the block to get re-oriented again.

The absolute worst is when I turn off a major highway and come up to that sign that says: “Middleton left arrow” and “Townsend right arrow”.  I am not going to either of these places, so do I turn right or left?

They invented GPS for people like me.  I wish I knew how to use it. My closest thing to a GPS is Google maps.

Okay, I am pathetic.  I know.  But you also need to know that if you invite me to dinner, I’ll bring a gourmet dessert because I do know my way around a kitchen.

Best wishes to you all,


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