April 20, 2015

Welcome Back to My Wonderful Subscribers and Visitors!

I also want to extend a warm welcome to my new subscribers. We are glad to have you with us.

Okay…what kind of shoe does everyone wear? A running shoe, of course, with those waffle like soles, right? I am sure exhaustive scientific studies have been done to see what design the sole should be to help you with balance and leg fatigue.

I don’t care about that at all. I want to know if that sole can slam dunk a cockroach into the next century.

If you have lived in apartments with any kind of bugs (Boston has lots of them), you know that sinking feeling when there is a flash of movement on your rug. It is even worse if you don’t have your glasses on. But, there it is, skulking around on your rug, picking up speed when they sense your jerk of total panic.

If you are wearing your running shoes, what kind of sole does it have? If it is one of those waffle deals, then you are in bigger trouble than you thought. Sure, you slam your shoe on that sucker, but it always manages to go right between those waffle ridges and start wriggling away….fast. You jump on it again, and still that little jerk wriggles away…even faster. Your neighbors instantly recognize this sound for exactly what it is.

Let’s kick this up a notch. Let’s say you are lounging on your couch wearing just your socks. Then you see it, climbing up your wall. You wince then grab your running shoe and slam it onto the wall with a force that should leave a dent. (Landlords love that.) Then, you pull back your shoe for a second whack, but the bug is not there. It is not even squashed a little bit. It is totally gone.

Now you know where you are going to have to look, right? The sole of your very scientific shoe. It’s either wiggling around in those waffles or it’s not there at all. If it is not there at all, good chance you won’t sleep that night. Why? Because you don’t know where the blasted thing is or even if it’s dead. (Let’s pretend this didn’t happen in your bedroom. God only knows what they do in there at night.)

That is why everyone needs a bug shoe.

A bug shoe has a totally smooth, hard and flat sole. High heels are a good example, or flats. I prefer flats because the high heel can get caught in your shirt or hair at the worst possible time, thus losing precious seconds for launching your attack.

Oh, you should probably keep one in your kitchen, too.

This paragraph will probably rate this blog “adult content”, but I’m going to tell you anyway. I once cooked dinner for some friends. As I was cleaning up, there were several grains of cooked rice Pilaf on the counter. I turned around and stared in total disbelief: there was a small cockroach trying to mount a piece of that rice and was humping away. I watched it long enough to be sure of it, then gave him a condom.

If you have friends over who live in a house, they probably haven’t seen a bug in years. Well, maybe a few ants. We apartment dwellers sneer in the face of that. Ants are relegated to amateur hour.

Your guests may ask some polite questions about the shoes neatly scattered about on the coffee table or floor. Those shoes have been there so long you really don’t see them anymore. When your guests bring them to your attention, you hesitate. Do you tell them the truth and gross them out over dinner? Or, do you slowly gather them up and throw them in a closet? You are now defenseless. Oh well, her husband looks like a Marine. They’re fearless.

I heard about a guy who said when he saw one of those critters, he would open his mouth and squirt a straight stream of beer on them. Not a bad way to go, I guess. But, I’m glad I don’t live with him.

If you live in Florida, don’t even think of bringing home a carton to use for packing. Especially the banana boxes. You would not believe what can fit into those little corrugated ridges. But, I did it. Dumb me. I actually brought one home.

Later that night, in bed with the lights off, I looked at the bare floor and watched a shadow growing as large as my foot. Then it started to move. I was so scared, I practically flew into menopause at the age of 20. Luckily, I was living with a guy who was used to Florida bugs. He turned on the light. I dove under the sheets. He went to the kitchen and came back with a slice of cheese! There’s this massive beetle with wiggly things on it’s face and he wanted to be friends with it. I told him it was either them or me. There were five of them.

There is one good side to all this bug business. We develop fantastic peripheral vision.

Now, they have this TV show with a guy named Andrew, who goes out of his way to fly around the world to find bugs to eat! Can TV get any grosser? Well, sometimes “Chopped” runs a close second.

To add insult to injury, we actually pay rent to share those wiggly things with us. If they could be trained to empty the dishwasher, they might be allowed to stop by once a week, but only for ten minutes. After that, the shoe comes out.

Best wishes,


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